Many moons ago, when we were young and free and we used to go for drinks in random locations wherever the car of whoever was driving came to rest, we found ourselves in an upstairs bar in Leatherhead, the room beneath which had just been hosting Bullseye on the road, with Jim ‘Bully’ Bowen himself.
Now, across the bar from us, the after party was in full swing. Nobody spoke except for Jim, who was holding court before an entourage of sycophants – mostly male but some female – who seemed to hang on his every word. We listened in, hoping for a “super, smashing, great” or at least a couple of decent gags we could take home with us, but instead we got Jim making a stunning effort to uphold the northern comedian stereotype by informing his courtiers that “women could never do what I do, up and down the motorway. They haven’t got the fibre.”
Years ahead of his time, that Jim. We’ve been trying to get fibre in our road for ages. Is there a more inappropriately named company than BT Open Reach?
1. They seem to have nothing to do with BT
2. They’re never open
3. You can’t reach them
So we sit and we wait while the little beach ball goes round and round and our ration of internet comes crawling over the microwaves or down the copper wires from some far off cabinet that time forgot. And in the meantime, I’m writing another book.
This one is a guide to living longer, and it’s a proper book that I get paid for. I know what you’re thinking: “Who’s going to read a book by you on living longer?” I know this is what you’re thinking because one of you actually said it. But what you have to remember is that I have my very own scientific experiment living right here under my roof, in the form of my dad, who turns 96 in May. What I’ve learnt so far (and this is from a live study remember, not some ChatGPT request) is that the secret to longevity is a random sleep pattern, very little exercise and a high sugar diet.
Fancy your chances of making 100 now?
This may be at odds with everything else you’ve read about living longer. Ever heard of the Blue Zones? These are micro communities around the world with a much higher than average proportion of centenarians (that’s people who’ve reached 100, not Roman military commanders). Among the common lifestyle traits that connect these otherwise isolated communities are regular sleep, natural movement and a high-fibre diet.
That means fruit, vegetables, grains, beans and nuts; plant-based stuff that’s good for digestion and keeps your blood sugar levels in check. To be fair to dad, he does eat his fair share of fibre, but only so he’s allowed his pudding. Nevertheless, life in his own little Blue Zone ticks along merrily. Other longevity factors – sociability, low stress, red wine, family – he’s got nailed, although his computer winds him up on a daily basis.
And we all know why. Lack of fibre. Yes, we’re back to that. I can feel the frustration of our snail-paced wifi eating away at my very soul. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the process of writing a guide to living longer actually shortened my life!
OK, so I’m impatient and I shouldn’t be. I remember a time when you had to wait for your research to come in the post. But here’s the thing: once you’ve tasted 100mb/sec it’s very hard to go back to 10. That’s just a trait of human nature. We’re not good at waiting for things we know could be quicker. Time was when you would happily wait three days for a bus, but once they started running every half hour, there was no going back. Unless, of course, you bought a return ticket.
